Rest. In. Peace.

Two weeks ago today, at about 6:40am, my sweet grandma left this world. My heart still hurts from the loss we have suffered. I miss her so much. I keep waiting for things to "get better" or to "return to normal", but it's not something that has really happened yet.

I am her oldest granddaughter. My entire life is full of wonderful memories of her.  Some that immediately come to mind are:

• "Working" at "The Store" with her. One specific memory involves me telling every customer that came in one day that she was my grandma and she was 49 years old. Every time she laughingly told me that I shouldn't be sharing her age with strangers. I was six years old.
• Going to the bingo hall with her. When I was in elementary school, I would often go play bingo with her at the Elk's lodge in Muskogee on Friday evenings. My mom would drop me off at The Store at closing time. Grandma would take me to eat BBQ before bingo started.  She would buy me cards to play and let me use her bingo dobbers. I know this would totally be illegal and inappropriate today, but hey, it was the early 90's! We would always sit at the same table, next to a very grumpy old man who I'm sure was annoyed with me. I was always too shy to yell "Bingo", so she would do it for me.
• Traveling to Wichita with her. We went there to visit my great-great Aunt Hazel. Wichita is where I was born. (My grandma told the story of why I was born in Wichita on almost all of my birthdays.) During this visit, my grandma took me to Joy Land...Wichita's amusement park at the time. She was probably in her fifties at this point taking her little granddaughter to an amusement park...how cool is that?
• Buying cheesey gifts for her. When I was in 4th grade, I bought her a super-cheap, super-cheesey Santa pin for Christmas. I seriously probably paid 50 cents for it. BUT. my sweet grandma wore that Santa pin every single Christmas. I repeat, EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS. I am almost 29 years old. Also every Christmas, she would point to the pin on her shirt and ask me, "You remember when you gave me this pin when you were little?" How could I forget?
• Going to the lake with her. I have so many memories from my childhood at the lake. My grandparents and great-grandparents were members of the Muskogee Boat Club on Fort Gibson Lake. Many summer weekends were spent out there. One specific memory I have at the lake involved a steak fry or fish fry at the Clubhouse. Either my parents didn't come that evening or they came and I wanted to stay late with grandma and grandpa...I can't remember. All I remember is hanging out and having fun. When I was ready to go, I let her know. She smiled at me, sat down on a couch, and said "Babe, I'm not quite ready to drive you home yet, we're going to need to wait a little bit." I didn't realize it at the time, but she had thoroughly enjoyed herself at that party and wasn't "able" to drive me home. Now, it's funny to think of my sweet grandma having too much to drink.
• Sharing my babies with her. My three precious girls are also her three precious great-granddaughters. When Lyla & Natalee were born, she couldn't wait to get to OKC to see them for the first time. She was only supposed to come up for a day, and then head back home that evening. She decided she didn't get enough snuggling in the first day and was going to stay another day. On one of the days, I got out of my hospital bed to go to the bathroom. She looked at my still-swollen belly and asked, "Do you have another baby in there?" She was trying to be funny, I think. If I didn't know her I might have been offended or started crying, but I didn't. I just laughed with her. She said what was on her mind, sometimes without thinking first. When Claire was born, just five and half weeks before she passed away, I could hear in her voice how badly she wanted to make the drive to visit us. She never wanted to miss anything.

It was interesting explaining her death to Lyla & Natalee. At three, it's not something they can really comprehend. A few nights after grandma passed away, Lyla asked me, for about the fiftieth time, where great-grandma was. I went into my rehearsed speech..."great-grandma was very sick and the doctors couldn't make her better, her body stopped working, she died, and went to heaven." Lyla looked at me, smiled, and said, "She went to heaven?" Me: "Yes baby, to heaven."  Lyla: "In her car?" I couldn't help but laugh at her question. She said "Mommy you're sad but I make you happy!"  Three-year-olds are so precious.

• Spending time with her. This really happened all the time. She loved spending time with her family. Ever since the girls were born 3+ years ago, any time we went to Muskogee, we went over to grandma and grandpa's house for a visit. Even though we visited her every chance we had, I still feel like we needed more time.

There really are too many memories to name. These probably don't mean much to you if you didn't know her and that's OK. I'm really just writing this for myself. I feel like bottling up emotions is unhealthy. Writing is way to work through these emotions. One thing that helps is to relive some of my happy memories of her. It's therapeutic.

Another something I did to help me work through my emotions was speaking at her funeral service. As soon as I heard the devastating news that she was gone, thoughts came flooding in. I knew that I wanted to say something at the service, it was just a matter of putting all of my thoughts on paper and then working up the courage to actually speak those words in front of everyone at the funeral.

Here are those words and my thoughts. I changed it up a bit when I actually spoke the words, but this is the general idea:

I want to share a few personal thoughts about the sweet lady that was my grandma.

Sweet was the perfect word to describe her. It’s the first word to that comes to my mind when I think of her. To her family, she was the most incredible wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, sister, and aunt. My cousin Allison sums it up perfectly: grandma was a “wonderful lady who taught me how to love, be forgiving, and always stay strong no matter how hard times were.” As you might imagine, she meant the world to all of us.

She loved collecting "stuff", and lots of it. If you walked into her house, you would see her walls covered not only with photographs but also with decorative collectable plates. She has hundreds of them. You would see curios full of decorative bells, precious moments figurines, and countless other knick knacks. She cherished every single item and every item had its place.  Every closet in her home was packed. Any time she would visit a department store she would not only purchase things for herself, but she was always purchasing something for someone. Those "someone's" were more precious to her than any of her collectable items in her home.

Those someones include her husband of almost 50 years, my wonderful grandpa Bob. They include her 3 children: Marsha, Sandee, and Doug, and their spouses. They were her 8 precious grandchildren: me, Justin, Allison, Bryan, Ashley, Jacie, Sydnee, and Kailey. her 3 sweet great-grandbabies: Lyla, Natalee, and Claire. She lived for her family. When we all gathered together, she would glow. She took pictures of every occasion – a trait she inherited from her dad.  her laugh was infectious and one of kind. You couldn't help but smile & laugh with her when you heard it. She also liked to have a good time. She so enjoyed spending time at the lake with her friends and family. She enjoyed holidays, vacations, visiting with friends, and going just about anywhere. She never wanted to be left out of any event that mattered to her – and if it mattered to someone she loved, it mattered to her.

For me, my grandma has always been a constant in my life. I hate to think about what my life looks like without her in it. I've spent almost 29 years enjoying her company-at her home, at the meat market, at the lake, at the bingo hall, and numerous places in between. I have said this countless times over the past few days but I hate this so much. I hate that I am standing in front of you talking about my sweet grandma. I would much rather be sitting on her couch chatting with her while she snaps pictures of my babies. We all wanted more time together.

If you take anything away from this, you should be reminded that life is short, the time we have together is precious. Live your life in a way that will cause you to be able to spend as much quality time as possible with those you love. Don't waste another minute without telling your loved ones just how much you love them. I would give anything for 5 more minutes with her. Although, I hope we can all find comfort in knowing that she is in a better place where she is watching over all of us, smiling, snapping pictures, laughing that one-of-a-kind laugh, and visiting with her loved ones...

Thank you so much for allowing me to share these thoughts with you all. My family truly appreciates your presence here today.

The second-to-last paragraph is a better version of what I originally wrote. I wanted to be more direct, but instead I took a different approach. What I started to say was: "Don't do something that could cause your life to be shortened: smoke, drink, drugs, text & drive, etc..." She smoked cigarettes for over 40 years. Cigarettes are the reason she is no longer with us - there is no denying it. I know she would have given anything to go back in time and reverse the decision she made when she started smoking, but she couldn't. Instead, she left this world too early when she was 71 years young. I am not angry with her, I couldn't be. But I do wish she wouldn't have made the decision to smoke or keep smoking for so long.

I actually made it through my words without bursting into tears. I had moments, though, when I thought I would lose it. Before I even began, I didn't think the words would come out. But they did, I made it through it, and I think I have her to thank. There is no way I could have made it through that without some help - and I felt her warmth and love with me while I was speaking.

My heart hurts.